Ulster Fry heaven

Conal Gillespie gets a bit het up when political correctness threatens his favourite meal.

A heered a wile stramash oan tha wireless tha ither forenoon. Wheens o boadies wur gettin brawly fashed aboot wha tae pit intil an Ulster fry. Thae ructions stairtet quhan a bhoy rung tha wireless tae gurn tha wheens o aitin hooses hev tuk tae miscallen tha Ulster Fry a 'Regional Fry'.

Noo tae mae aul farrent wie o thinkin tha bees mair nor a bitty laik cryin Irish Stew Regional Stew ur alloin a Kerry Blue coo tae bae a 'Southern Coloured Bovine'.

Tha's tha kin o haverin political richtness tha wud alloo tha Nelson Mandela bes an 'African American'.   Bess no tae stairt me preachin aboot political richtness. Hit isnae fur naethin tha wheens o yins doon a tha yilshap cries me 'Alf Garnett'.

Wi a tha aff mae kist A'hll gae beck tae meat. Oan tha wireless thon dae wheens o fowk wur axed wha shud bae pit intil an Ulster fry. Ivrie boadie greed tha hit shud hev bacon, eggs, pritta an soda breed. Tae gae bae tha wireless ower tha yeirs Ulster fowk hes gat gyely fand o sausages blek an quyht puddins tomatays an mushrooms. Aa tha fowk oan tha programme greed tha hash broons bes frae Amerikey an tha baked beans bes Inglis.

Did iver ye tak tent o hoo bhoys wha cannae, ur wurnae, mak meat in tha hoose aloos thaesels tae bae Gordon Ramsey ur Rick Stein tha minnet thae cleps een oan a barbecue? Noo A've maide monies tha brunt offerin in tha gairden oan a simmer's nicht tha reek hettin tha beer, keppin tha midgies aff an gaein tha gapes tae all hans. Hooiniver hits quhan fallin tae makin a fry tha me, an monies tha ither Ulsterman, turns intil Keith Floyd. Gif A'hm no fashed ur headin aff oan a Setturdae moarn a laik tae mak a bag fry an sit fer an hour wi a pot o tay an twathrie paipers wunnerin hoo tha fifbaa ur rugby'll gae later oan.

Tae saie richt oot whit shud ur shudnae bae pit intil an Ulster fry bes chancey. Bit yeirs sine quhan yer meat wus frae yer ain fairm yer fry wud bae bacon. Eggs an farls. Alang wi aa tha ye micht sned fiel mushrooms frae hairst til tha furst frost o tha beck enn.

Fer tha wee wheen o boadies no feart o brusted hairts thir be shoo tae mak Gillespie's gye baag fry. Furst aff sein es hoo thir isnae guid fer ye micht es weel gae tha hale hog an grease yer pan wi lard ur butther. Ye cannae whack hit fur flavour!

Hev yer bacon sned thick bae tha shap an fry hit alang wi butcher's sausages. Alang wi tha a cannae fin tha beat o the soda breed tha mae wee neeibor wumman maks an laves in tae me. Gif ye hev onie wie o getting thaim pit oan an egg frae a yaird kep hen an a greenhouse tomatay.

Noo thon bes a muckle guid fry bae hitsel bit gif ye mak yer ain pritta breed tae gae wi hit hit'll steek tae yer ribs til nicht. Poun a baag pritta wi butther an milk an dang in a pickle o salt an a bit o floor. Max hit weel wi yer fingers, roull oot an cut rouns wi tha tap o a taycup an fry thae rouns til broon. Gif ye pit thaim wi yer fry A'hll warrant tha ye wulnae want fer meat til quatten time.

Min ye, ye'll bae owre swelled tae bae fit tae yoke fer an hoor ur mair.